Ilaria Voraschina gives you a wicked grin.
"As head of the Voraschina family, I can tell you there are many beautiful ladies within our number who would be very pleased to see you testing your worth in this way."
"There are 10 questions below, each with 5 possible answers - a, b, c and so on. Choose the answer which most suits you and note down your choice for each question. Once you have answered them all you can find out how many points each answer is worth and calculate your total eligible bachelor score."
"Most importantly, I will then be able to advise you on how to improve your chances of finding and keeping a young gypsy wife."
1 What makes you eligible as a bachelor?
a) You are heroic in battle, you have acquired fame and riches on your travels and you are dashing and impressive. But… you are lonely.
b) The ladies love you.
c) You think it’s about time you found a wife.
d) You are handsome, wealthy and of maritable age.
e) You’re unmarried and male.
2 How would you describe yourself?
a) Everything a woman could dream of and more.
b) A good sense of adventure and of fun.
c) Strong, decent, capable.
d) Handsome and horny.
e) A normal bloke, really.
3 What three qualities do you look for in a woman?
a) Cooking, cleaning and doing as she’s told.
b) Loyalty, kindness and strength of mind.
c) An enchanting smile, a passionate imagination and an angelic luminescence.
d) Wit, charm and beauty.
e) Blonde hair and breasts.
4 How would you entertain a lovely lady?
a) With music and fun and flattery.
b) Your mere presence should be entertaining enough.
c) Get her drunk and take her back to your caravan.
d) Sweep her away to foreign lands to feast on the finest foods and wines whilst gazing at an alluring sunset over a perfect sea.
e) With good conversation about shared interests.
5 What gift would you give to the lady you love?
a) A sexy wink and a roll in the hay.
b) It depends what she needs.
c) Gift? Is it her birthday?
d) A rare and beautiful flower.
e) An enormous precious jewel.
6 If the lady you love was kidnapped, what would you do to rescue her?
a) Traverse continents, scour dungeons, slay dragons… everything and anything to show how much you love her.
b) Get some friends together and try to find her, hoping that you’ll be able to deal with anything that comes up.
c) Rescue? What a foolhardy idea. Best just panic in the corner and hope they don’t come after you next.
d) Hunt down the fiend who stole her away, ensure he can never harm her again and then take her to safety and look after her well.
e) Nothing. It’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet.
7 What would you wear if you were dressing to impress?
a) Your armour.
c) A fresh, bright shirt and some voluminous pants.
d) You don’t see anything wrong with what you’re wearing now.
e) Velvet robes of deepest purple with golden braiding and an extravagant hat.
8 Would you be willing to give up your own family and way of life to join the Bazaar?
a) You’d happily join the Bazaar but would like to bring your family with you. Including lots of handsome brothers who are also looking for wives.
b) That sounds a bit too much like a serious commitment.
c) Yes, in a heartbeat. All you need in life is the woman you love.
d) You couldn’t give up your own family entirely, but you would travel with the Bazaar some of the time and want your wife to come home with you at other times.
9 What can you offer as a dowry?
a) Erm, what is customary?
b) Everything you own.
c) 5 gold.
d) Your body.
e) Shouldn’t she be paying you?
10 What would you name a llama?
a) Whatever suits it.
b) Something that rhymes and is funny.
c) I don’t really care.
d) What would you like its name to be?
e) Why do llamas need names? Don’t you just eat them?